Friday, May 18, 2007

Are these those "hormones" they keep talking about?

Today is officially going to be unproductive for me. Dr. B is gone, which I didn't know until I came in, and that just gave me one more excuse to do a bunch of un-lab stuff.

I've been so weird lately. Yesterday was pretty good--I woke up actually feeling well for once, had a good day at the VA clinic, and tried to catch up on the managerial lab crap I have to do. I met a friend of mine from high school for dinner at TGI Friday's (FYI--the new smaller portion dinners, at least the pasta ones, are pretty much the same size as the regular ones. I got the small, she got the regular, and although she had a bigger bowl, I swear we had the same amount of food.) Catching up with her was good, and I got home about 7:30. The night was young.

When I got home, I found that my sister sent me a package from California. It got me all emotional. She sent me a book and wrote a really sweet note in it, which made me tear up, and she sent Tim a book (it's something like, "what to expect when your wife is expecting") and I about peed myself laughing at how accurate that book was. All kinds of emotions.

Then I got some extended family info about my cousin that made me all sorts of emotions--confused, sad, semi-happy, a little angry, and then back to confused. Long story, don't want to get into it, but I'm wishing she had made a better decision. But, life happens.

Anyway, it was a draining night. Then I didn't sleep well, and when I did sleep, I had these crazy vivid dreams about buying a house. So bizarre--it was actually a double house, with a removable wall connecting the two sides. And I could draw you a picture of it, very detailed. That's how vivid the dream was. Strange stuff.

So then this morning I got an email from a realtor we met a while ago that a new house just came on the market. It's pricier than we are looking, but it's about 1000 feet to the national park. It's a cute colonial on about 3/4 of an acre, with 4 bedrooms. With the exception of the price, it's exactly what we wanted. Add that to the dream last night, and it's all a little bizarre.

But, we decided a while ago not to move. This house is fine for now, we're going to have all sorts of new expenses with a baby (especially child care! Holy crap!), and we don't know yet if we are staying or going for residency in three years. Plus, the real estate market sucks, we've got work to do on our house, and we don't want to have to sit with our house on the market for 6 months to a year (which is pretty standard right now).

Rationally, it all makes sense. And if our current house was closer to work, we would have never started looking over a year ago. But it all snowballed from there--since we wanted to move closer anyway, let's take a step up from our current house. And since we're taking one step up, let's take another. And another. We're not looking at mansions or anything, but moving into a better school district is costly. Sure, our house is cheap, but somehow we've moved into looking at houses that are twice as expensive as ours. I don't know how we got there. We could get a loan for it, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to stretch ourselves right now.

That's all the rational stuff. It's usually my job to be the voice of reason with Tim--he's the spontaneous spender (or at least he used to be). Since the pregnancy, we've had total role reversal. I'm the emotionally driven, irrational one, living day to day. He's the rational planner. I don't know how long this'll last, but it's definitely strange.

I think it's how we are coping with the pregnancy. I'm still in a lot of shock. Happy shock, but shock. I definitely have days where I think, "What the hell did we get ourselves into?" Before the pregnancy, I was the one that crunched the numbers and showed we could afford a child. I made the timeline to show where my windows for babies were in my career progression. I made all the pros and cons lists. He was the one that saw his friends and everyone his age with kids and thought, "I can do that."

And so we decided to go for it.

I'm not saying I regret my decision. When the baby comes, I'm sure I'll be ecstatic. And really, all of those charts and lists I made were true. We have been saving for it since we got married almost 5 years ago (we purposely bought a cheap house to have room to save), we are living near family and friends now who can support us when we have a baby emergency moment (I expect to have lots, especially with the first baby). We've prepared. We should be ready.

I knew I'd never wake up one morning and say, "I'm ready to be a mother." Oh my gosh, I just had a little heart attack even typing the work "mother." Especially in science, I knew it'd be easier to just keep pushing back the date. I swear, around here, the average age to have your first child is over 35. Nadia in my lab was 41 when she delivered. I didn't want to wait that long. Plus, I have two sides of family history of women who don't keep their uterus much after 35, so I knew my window was a little narrow anyway. But to be 27 and pregnant in this science community--everyone thinks you are crazy. And I'm starting to get sucked into that.

I know, deep down, I can take care of a child. I'm confident Tim can, too (after he attends Daddy Boot Camp. Boy's never changed a diaper). But that doesn't silence all the nagging doubt I have that we're too young, we're too busy, we're too unprepared.

I've talked to a few other first time preggos like me, and I guess it's a common concern, no matter the age or financial situation involved. And that part of me that is still rational knows we'll be fine. I've never spent a lot of money on clothes--it's not like I'm going to start shopping at Baby Gap all of a sudden (yes, that's expensive for me). We've planned it out. It'll be fine.

But, I also realize that newly-voiced emotional side of me won't just go away in the next five months. I'm always going to have bursts of crazy (let's buy a new house for the baby!). I've just got to realize I don't have to listen to the emotional side like I've always listened to the rational side.

It's a strange time. I'm dealing with general issues like being all emotional, and I'm also dealing with a lot of personal issues. No need to ramble any more about it, but let's just say that gaining weight on purpose is not an easy thing for some with a body image problem and a former eating disorder. I'm doing it for the baby, but I'm having a hard time adjusting. And this is only the beginning! I can't imagine how I am going to feel when I'm the size of a house. I'm working on it, because the last thing I want to do it surround my child in an environment of poor self-image and negativity. I'm also having to assess how I define myself as a person, and it's been tough. But those are things I'm going to have to struggle through.

Ok, I told you've I've been weird lately. Enough random rambling for one day. I don't need to get all sappy and emotional at work. Especially in this lab, the motto is: Show no weakness!

Bucky wants lunch, so I'm off for now. Have a great weekend!

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