Monday, December 10, 2007

Mixed feelings

Wow, time sure flies. It's been a busy few weeks. Sophie is six weeks old now, which is just amazing. She's holding her head up, smiling, tracking movement, and responding to sounds. She's also grown like crazy--she's almost too long now for her 0-3 month clothes (apparently, experienced moms know that all clothes run smaller than the size it says. If most babies are only in 0-3 month clothes until they are six weeks old, why not call it 0-6 week?)
I had my six week postpartum checkup last week. Things looked good, and Sophie was super calm during the entire appointment. She did have three good poops--all loud enough that my doctor even commented on her prolific bowel habits--and of course, it was the one time she pooped through her clothes when I didn't have a spare outfit in the diaper bag. Luckily, I took Sophie up to the lab, Ming kept an eye on her for ten minutes, and I ran out to the car to get the emergency outfit. It was nice to see Ming. Kim was out, and so was Ossama, so things were deathly quiet. In another sign of how the lab is winding down, I moved my desk while I was there. We don't have individual rooms for labs in the building I am in, just large sections with rows of parallel lab benches. Our lab had taken up eight benches, with mine the last one before the next lab started. Since our lab is getting smaller, and the adjacent lab is getting bigger, it was time for me to move. It's just another omen, I think, that the lab won't be around much longer. Ming seemed to think we'd be done by June.

I met with my boss too. He was actually pretty human--his first grandchild was born a few weeks ago, and that may have softened him up. He still said I need to put in double time to get done (that's the standard speech). But I think he's accepted the fact that there's no way I'll be done by the time the lab dissolves. I'll just have to finish up somewhere else.

We agree that I'll be back in the lab starting a week from today. That's depressing, which I'll get back to, but I've been too busy to think about it. Sophie's baptism was yesterday, and getting ready for the party had me booked. My parents were nice enough to let us use their house--ours is big enough, but most of our furniture is still at the old house, so there wasn't anywhere for people to sit. Plus, we didn't have to worry about containing the dog when people were over. It was just easier.
So last Tuesday, we planned all day. Wednesday was my doctor's appointment, plus the stop at the lab. Thursday we went shopping for groceries and party supplies (and Tim had to come bail me out when Sophie had a meltdown in the grocery store. That was an experience). Friday was cleaning day. Saturday we cooked huge amounts of soup--we decided to order a big Subway sub and make a bunch of soups for crock pots. Well, Saturday we made huge batches of chicken soup (two kinds), ham and bean, chili, and potato soup. I mean, we had gallons of soup. For each. We cooked the soups, let them cool, and then poured them into gallon Ziploc bags so we could fit them all in the fridge. Some of the soups filled three one-gallon bags with some left over. We could've fed an army!

Luckily, we only invited family (and on somewhat short notice, since I passed out the invites on Thanksgiving), so we only planned for fifty at the most. We had freezing rain that day, but we still had forty people show. The food went over well, with barrels of leftovers, but we passed it out and froze the rest. It worked out well.

As I mentioned, I've been too busy to think about going back to work. Well, it hit me this morning. I woke up and realized that in one week, I'll be at work. And I cried. And then I decided to do something I hadn't done since I've been home: nothing. I had a house to clean, thank-you notes to write, and a whole laundry list of other chores. But I decided to ignore them. Instead, Sophia and I spent the whole day together--physically together. We stayed in the bed, I cleared off a few movies on the DVR, and we snuggled. She slept on me, I'd feed her when she got hungry, and we just cuddled. And it was one of the most fantastic days of my life.

Tim came home for lunch and brought the picnic up to the bed. I got teary again thinking about not being home, but he helped me get through it. It's just overwhelming to me how much I've come to love this little person in six weeks. Things are tough sometimes--she had a particularly fussy week last week, which was no fun--but I've loved being home with her. I couldn't do it for the rest of my life. I know that. But six weeks is not enough. I need a few months, I think, to really be ready. She grows before my eyes everyday, and the thought of missing out tears me up. The only thing that makes me know it'll be ok is that I'm leaving her with my mom for a while. If I had to drop her off at daycare for my first day back at work, I think I'd break down.

I'm so thankful my mom is going to watch her for a while. We can only pay her what we put aside for day care--not very much on a weekly basis--but she's going to cope with it for a little while. She's looking for a part time job too, but I'd feel horrible if she had to work a whole bunch of hours in addition to being our day care full time. She's volunteered to do it, but she shouldn't have to work seven days a week just to help us out. I wish I could afford to pay her like a nanny so she wouldn't have to work. That'd be awesome. But we just don't have it. We're actually raiding a little of our savings to do it until the house sells (two mortgages plus daycare isn't happening just yet). That's why we have savings in the first place though. It's not a ton, but it's enough until summer, when hopefully the other house will sell and it won't be an issue any more.

Yeah, the old house not selling is anxiety for another day. Honestly, I've been too busy (and too anxious about going back to work) to think about it. We're going to take a bath on it, no matter what, but that's life. If I had it to do over again, I don't know if I would've moved. Maybe not right now, at least. But maybe I would have--this house was just such a steal, we might never have found a deal like this again. I dunno.

But anyway, I just wanted to let people know we're still alive. I'm going to savor as much of this last week home with Sophia as I can. And my sister is coming home from California on Sunday for the holidays. I can't wait for her to meet her niece. Hopefully my whole immediate family can have a dinner together. That's what I love about holidays--the family time. I don't need gifts or anything. Seeing my family together is all I could ask for.
(the proud parents and godparents: Me, Tim, Joe, Jen, and Sophie)

(Jason snuggling with his niece)

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