Saturday, July 12, 2008

Mental fatness

I'm having a "fat day." It's not that my weight is any different than it was yesterday, or the day before, or last month. Maybe that's a problem, maybe it's not. I know that my "fatness" correlates to how I am feeling emotionally.

Yesterday was aggravating--it was Friday, a beautiful day, and everyone was leaving early. And Tim and I had gotten my sister Jen to babysit, so we had a night out for the first time in ages. I had to stay till after 5 for an experiment. By the time I left, traffic was terrible. It's a 20+ minute walk to my car now (paying almost $80 a month for parking was one of the first things to get cut from the budget). And then it's another 20 minutes to the highway when it's busy. And then another 15-20 minutes home. So all said, it's about a 35-40 minute drive, plus a 20 minute walk, so about an hour door-to-door (still better than the 1.5-2 hours it would be at the old house).

I had just gotten on the highway and was moving nicely through traffic when I realized that I hadn't put my blots in the cold room. This royally ticked me off. First, I was already ticked that I had to spend yet another weekend/holiday in the lab. Second, it meant I had to go back to work for ten seconds to put my blot in the cold room. Third, I was ticked that everyone else on my entire floor had left early, so it wasn't even like I could call someone and have them do it. Fourth, it meant that I had to take the one night Tim and I were supposed to have free and go back into work. And fifth, I was ticked that I had to spend more gas and time driving around than I already do.

So I was pretty peeved when I got home. It's no one's fault but my own, which makes me even madder. Tim and I did get to go to dinner--we spent a gift card for an Italian place that we've had since 2006 (I told you we don't get out much). But we had to head straight for work after dinner. By the time we left work, I had about 15 minutes to stop at CVS and pick up some stuff, and then we headed home so Jen could leave before 9:30.

And then this morning, Sophie was fussy (we all have these nasty colds that Sophie brought home from day care). So I didn't get to leave for work till almost 11. And I'll be here till after 2, which puts me home about 2:45. Then I have to leave at 3, drive down to my mom's, pick her up, and then drive an hour and a half to a BBQ at my cousin's house. I don't really want to go--we'll see everyone at my brother's grad party in two weeks--but now that we have Sophie, it's one of those you-go-to-my-party-and-I'll-come-to-yours. My dad's gone, and Tim refuses to go, which is why my mom and I are car-pooling.

And then we promised Tim's parents we'd help them move furniture this weekend. We can't really say no--they are generously giving us their old bedroom set--but between work, the BBQ, and Tim's parents, my entire weekend is gone. I cleaned our bathroom this morning, and I have to wash dishes before Sophie goes to daycare on Monday, but I don't know that I'll have time to do anything else.

So, this is why I am aggravated. And it's the aggravation that is leading to my fat day. I'm feeling very out of control with my life at the moment. And it didn't help that it's 90 degrees, and every summer shirt I have is too tight. My weight might be back to pre-baby, but my stomach didn't get the memo. Nothing fits right any more. And I was hoping to work on the 30 pounds I has pre-pregnancy, but I haven't made a dent in that either. And I'm all bloated and hormonal. So, add it all up, and you get "fat day."

I figured I'm entitled to be "in a mood" every now and again. I've been really mellow with all the lab stuff and money drama I've had going on for the past few months. While I can stay mellow for weeks at a time, every now and then something makes me blow up a little bit. I'm sure I'll go back to mellow soon. But for today, I'm going to let myself be aggravated a little longer. It's not like there is anyone else in the lab this weekend that I might be disturbing.

As for my "fat day", I really do want to work on my 30 pounds of extra baggage. It's just so much harder trying to find time to eat well and exercise. I do the best I can--heck, I walk almost an hour every day just getting to and from my car--but Sophie is all-consuming, and she comes first. We try to walk in the evenings when we can. Unfortunately, the weather and life doesn't always cooperate. And I'm trying to meal plan. That way, Tim and I don't look at each other when we get home at 6 and try to figure out what to eat. Of course, last week I was gone Monday and Tuesday, he was gone Wednesday and Thursday, and we went out last night. So there wasn't a lot of cooking going on.

It all goes back to my eating disorder. My weight becomes an issue when I am feeling out of control with the rest of my life. It starts spiraling--I try to lose weight, but it doesn't come off as fast/much/consistently as I'd like. So I beat myself up, call myself a failure, and start all of the negative eating habits back up again. And that just makes things worse. I've been pretty good about not falling back into bad habits, but I haven't made any progress on the weight either.

I've got bigger things on my mind for now, like getting my PhD before I die, so the weight issues will have to wait for now. I've just got to take these "fat days" for what they are--control issues.

PS It's 2:30, my experiment didn't work, and there is a huge thunderstorm outside. And I parked 15 minutes away. With my moon roof vented. And I don't have an umbrella. Definitely been one of those days, I think. I'm going to give the storm a few more minutes (it's breaking up a bit on radar) and then make a run for it.

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