As you’ve probably noticed, life has been a bit crazy recently, preventing me from blogging quite as much as I used to. In full disclosure, I’ve also not been trying to find as much time. I’ve had a lot of personal stuff going on. While I am generally not shy about talking about my issues, I’m also a little hesitant to get into some of the real nitty-gritty that is causing me stress. Really, it’s nothing earth shattering. It’s just enough to stress me out.
And, I don’t like to be so negative all of the time. I know the reason I started blogging was to vent, but that isn’t what my whole life is about. So generally, if I can’t think of something positive to say (at least on occasion), I’m more like to just not blog about it.
The big picture things are fine. Tim & I are good, thank God, because there is no way I could deal with this stuff on my own right now. Sophie is generally good, but I’ll fill you in on her rough weekend in a minute. Finances are tight, as always, but it’s not like we are in danger of losing the house or anything like that. And I’m taking on as much as I can with teaching/clinical trials to try and supplement our income. Work is ok. I’m adjusting as best I can, and I’m also trying to re-prioritize. The lab itself is a wonderful change from my old work environment. I’m just trying hard to change from working on my own to working in a group. But the people are great, so I’m sure I’ll be fine. Now if the data would only cooperate . . . but that is why they call them experiments, I suppose.
It’s more the day to day stresses. There’s been some family drama, which I’d rather not get into. There’s the insomnia, which is getting worse. And there’s also some of my own personal demons coming back to haunt me. As in the past, when life gets stressful, my food issues generally creep back. That leads to body image issues, which leads to negativity, which leads to guilt issues and self-worth problems. That is a difficult spiral to escape from. My issue now is more putting the brakes on things to not make them worse. I’ll have to worry about actually improving things another time
Anyway, back to life at hand. Sophie had her 1 year visit on Friday. She’s at the 75th percentile for weight and the 90th percentile for height—so she’s keeping pace with the 93rd/93rd percentiles she started at when she was born. She’s had a cold for a few days, and that turned into redness in her ears and lots of clear fluid, but no ear infection. Still, talking to the doctor, I think we’ll probably set up at least an ENT consult if not tubes. The doctor seemed to think this would probably turn into another double ear infection, but she didn’t want to give antibiotics just yet. Since she didn’t have an actual infection or a fever, she also got all of her shots. She hated those. Big shocker.
She did ok Friday afternoon. She was doing so well that we went down to my parent’s house for dinner. It meant we got to visit, I didn’t have to cook, and we got to see my niece. She did really well, and she slept well Friday night. Saturday she was supposed to have her first playdate with the son of a friend of mine, but she decided to run a fever and get really fussy, so we had to cancel. We ended up driving around for a few hours Saturday afternoon in order to let her sleep. Her cold was so bad that she could only sleep sitting up, but the car seat seemed to do the trick.
Saturday night she was doing better, so we went to my cousin’s house and had dinner. Again, she seemed fine. She went to bed ok, but then about 1:30 in the morning she started screaming. Bloody murder screaming. She didn’t want a bottle, she didn’t have a fever, she didn’t have a dirty diaper, and she wasn’t even as congested as she had been. She would go to sleep while I held her, but as soon as she hit the crib she started screaming.
Now, this is not my baby. She is not a crier, let alone a screamer. Even when she fusses at night she doesn’t scream. This was worse than when she got her shots!
I felt terrible for her. Since I couldn’t sleep anyway, I took her into the back bedroom, put pillows around so she couldn’t go anywhere, and I held her the whole night. She would finally drift off to sleep for a few minutes, but then she’d wake back up. She would roll over and grab my face with her hands, crawl until she was laying on my face, and then she’d fall asleep. She had to be holding my face all night long or else she was screaming.
It was almost like she was afraid of something. She’s a little young to be scared of the dark—and she’s never had an issue before—but I am wondering if that was a sleep terror or something like it. She slept fine Sunday night, so hopefully we won’t have another experience like that.
I just felt so awful. And helpless—that was the worst feeling. All I could do was hold her and make sure she was touching me. She did sleep eventually, but judging by her naps on Sunday, Saturday night wasn’t very restful for her. It wasn’t for me either, but what else is new?
Of course, I have come down with her cold. This morning I woke up with a swollen throat and whole-body aches. Motrin has helped a little, but the cold medicine is doing nothing. I catch everything she gets now because my immune system is so run down from the not sleep. Another vicious cycle.
I haven’t heard from day care yet today, so hopefully that means she is doing ok. I really expect her to be running another fever soon—I think the ear infection is coming. She was pulling her ears yesterday. The high fever is usually what tells us that it’s time to see the doctor.
Really, I feel like we live at the doctor’s office. I know that’s not true, but considering I go less than once a year, being there every other week is a lot to me.
Once we get the ears figured out, we also have to wean her off the bottle and the pacifier. She was weaned from breastfeeding a week before her first birthday (and I’m thrilled). The doctor suggested bottle first, then binky, but not to try until she was feeling better. So hopefully that will be soon. Sophie does ok with a sippy cup, but she’ll have to get really good at it pretty fast.
Sophie is also walking-ish now. She’s been taking one or two steps for a few weeks. We said when she did three steps, we’d count it. Well, Friday she did five, and she did five again on Sunday. So I guess she’s walking! She’s been pushing her little car around (along with laundry baskets, small chairs, and anything else she can find) for a while, and she can stand and squat unsupported for a few minutes at a time. When she figures out how much easier it is to carry things when she’s walking instead of crawling, I think that’s when she’ll really be into it. She can just crawl so quickly now that she doesn’t need to walk to get somewhere fast.
I’m still floored by how much she’s grown in the last year. She says “dada” and “mama” pretty regularly now, along with an occasional “dog”, “duck, or “baba” for bottle.
She can follow commands, especially when it involves getting a toy or her shoes. She even tries to put her shoes on by herself (with no success, of course). She shakes her head “no”, she knows how to put things in a container (and put things away, thanks to Tim). She’s just such a little person—and her own person, that’s for sure. She wants to do everything herself!
Looking at last year’s Halloween and this year’s Halloween pictures, I’m astounded and a little sad. I’ve tried hard to be as involved with her life as I can. Goodness knows I’ve taken enough pictures that I shouldn’t have any trouble remembering her as a baby. But I can’t believe how much she’s grown. I am in no way ready to have another baby—if anything, having her has made me want to cherish our one-on-one time and keep it that way for at least a few years. But seeing that she’ll never be that little again make me sort of sad. I’m excited to watch her continue to grow, but I also miss the baby days.
Ok, that was my sappy time. Thanks for humoring me.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that there will be a time, hopefully soon, where I’ll be back to my old self (and hopefully a well-rested self at that). For now, I’m working through some of my issues in private. Don’t take it personally—I just am not ready to get into it yet. I’ll keep you posted on more of the basic day to day stuff as much as I can. For now though, back to work!