Thursday, November 20, 2008

Same old

I don't like to post about Tim being gone while he's actually out of town, so I've been putting off an update. I know, I don't think I'm so exciting that I have an internet stalker or anything, but there's something uncomfortable about posting about being home alone while I'm actually home alone. Basically, sorry for the delay.

Tim is coming home this afternoon after being gone for much of the week. Thank God. Really, every time he goes out of town, I pray for single parents. I have no idea how they do it. I've only been able to survive with the help of family. For instance, Tuesday morning I had to be at my insomnia appointment by 7:30, which meant I had to leave at 6:30. From my appointment, I had to head to lab, and then I had the VA in the afternoon. This meant I would be gone from 6:30 AM to at least 5:30 PM (depending on clinic). There was no way I could leave Sophie at daycare for 11 hours. Number one, that's just too much for Sophie. Number two, I don't think we're allowed to leave her for more than 10 hours at a time.

Usually, this would not be an issue. Tim would drop her off or pick her up (or, often both on my long days). We do nudge up against the 10 hour limit on occasion, but we've never exceeded it. However, with just me, there was no way around it. So, I called on family.

My mom came up Monday night and spent the night with us (either that, or she would have had to leave the house at 5:45 AM to be at my house in time). She stayed with Sophie at my house all day, and then she had dinner with us. There's nothing quite like coming home to mom's home cooking. I really missed that--I wish I would've enjoyed it more while I lived at home.

Despite past events (check out the June archives if you need some history), I really had no concerns with my mom watching Sophie at our house. My mom has never struggled with her alcoholism while staying with us. I'm not sure we were ready yet to leave Sophie down at her house--we'll get there, but we're not there yet.

I do know that Sophie loved it. When mom packed up to head home Tuesday night, Sophie cried and cried to see her leave. Sophie is not usually clingy. I drop her off at daycare and she never even gives me a second look! But with Tim gone, Sophie not feeling great, and then my mom leaving, it was a bit much for her. She was better when I held her and we waved goodbye out the window. But I couldn't be out of her sight the rest of the night.

Wednesday was even worse for the clingyness. Sophie wouldn't let me put her down all morning, not even to change her diaper, without her screaming. All she did was grab on to me. Dropping her off at daycare was really tough. She got better when she could play with the kids and toys, and I made sure she was settled before I left. But she caught a glimpse of me when I came to pick her up (she was in the middle of a diaper change at the time), and all she wanted in the world was to be held by me. It's a wonderful feeling to be so loved, but nothing brings on the mommy guilt quite like a clingy child.

Mom called and invited us down for dinner last night, so we didn't have to spend the evening alone in the house. It is exhausting though to travel with her on my own. It takes so long to pack her up and keep her occupied while still doing things like taking the dog out, getting the house organized for the evening (turning on lights, shutting blinds, etc), and trying to get out the door without forgetting anything.

And by the time we get home, Sophie's sleeping, I'm exhausted, and my whole night is gone. And I still have all the nightly chores to do, except that I'm the only one around to do them.

But, we survived. I of course miss Tim for personal and emotional reasons too, but I am thrilled to have another set of hands around. I have no idea how we would do residency with me having a crazy schedule and Tim traveling if we didn't have family around. I told him--he's either got to have a job with flexible hours and no traveling, or we have to stay in Cleveland for residency. Fellowship may be easier, but residency is a no-go without support around. We just can't do it.

So, that's what I've been up to. I also started this sleep trial on Tuesday. I'm guessing I either got placebo or the drug is crap, because I am still not sleeping. I was actually so nervous Tuesday night about taking my first dose of drug while I'm home alone that I set multiple alarms and cranked the baby monitor up so I wouldn't oversleep. Turned out to be a non-issue.

I've also been pondering a lot about some of the issues I talked about in the last few posts. I've really been thinking about how hard I am on myself sometimes. I also realized that reading my journals makes me sound all depressed. I'm really not. Things are tough sometimes, but they are for everyone. I get through those times with optimism, faith, and support. I just need to vent (hence the blogging), but really, life is pretty good. I do need to work on some personal issues. I can get into those at a later time. But I'm working on remembering the positive and just doing what I need to do to get through the tough times. It's not all thorns; there are plenty of roses along the way too if I stop and take a look.

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