Thursday, February 26, 2009

Behind as usual

So it is now day 2 of Lent, and I have no idea what I am giving up/attempting to do for it. I'm trying to come up with something more meaningful that giving up chocolate/ice cream/pop/etc, which seem to be my standbys. I have a lot of personal issues I need to work on, especially ones that haven't made a lot of progress since attempted new year's resolutions, but I am leaning towards doing something else.

It was actually brought up by Tim, although I am not sure he knows it. I've been really worn down the last few weeks. It's been showing at home--I'm having lots of digestive and sleep issues again, which is how my stress usually manifests. I made a comment to him about how I couldn't go to bed one night that I was feeling particularly bad--I had dishes to wash, rooms to clean, papers to grade, and bills to do.

He said that I need to go easier on myself. And it got me to thinking: maybe he's right.

I'm working two very demanding jobs, we have a sixteen month old daughter, and Tim's busy with work and school. It's sort of amazing we are fed and clothed on a regular basis. Maybe instead of trying to squeeze more things into less time, maybe I need to ramp down instead.

I had planned all sorts of potential things for Lent: really focusing on diet/exercise, working to keep the house up more, trying to reconnect with friends and family that I haven't seen in a while, and generally trying to better myself through reading and reflection.

Those are all positive things. And they are all Lent-appropriate. But I have to say that I think it might be too much.

That is counterintuitive for me. Lent is always about sacrifice; how is going easier on myself a sacrifice?

I think it is because being easy on myself will be a struggle. It is not how I am hardwired. I have programmed myself to hold myself to unattainable standards; it is something I worked hard on during my therapy sessions a few years back, and it is something that I have found myself relapsing into.

So, I think that is what I am going to try. It will have the added effect of making me more introspective and aware of my thoughts, and it will probably mean more frequent blogs. No promises on how successful I will be. But I think it is worth a shot.

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