Monday, November 30, 2009

Oh my god, this cartoon is so my life right now. It's courtesy of my weekly pregnancy emails from babycenter.com. I had an absolute meltdown (ok, it was all mental, but a meltdown none the less). I woke up Thanksgiving morning and couldn't find any clothes that fit. The pants were ok, but all of the shirts hugged all of the wrong places. I must've changed outfits ten times.

I finally settled on something non-maternity, but it still obviously showed off my growing belly. Since I carry most of my weight in the stomach/hips/rear area anyway, I was definitely borderline between the "is she pregnant?"/"did she gain weight?" areas. Seeing as how I have almost ten years of serious body image issues, this is not a good place for me to be.

I got over it and was doing ok until Tim's cousin came after dinner and said, "oh, I totally forgot you were pregnant until I saw you!" She was trying to be nice, but it put me over. I sucked it up and smiled, but that didn't help my mood.

Yes, I am 18 weeks pregnant. Yes, I've gained a few pounds (still less than five, thank goodness). But I'm not ready for my body to be changing. And my wardrobe is definitely not ready. I have some way pregnancy pants that don't stay up yet, and I have two pairs of dress pants that have kindly been handed down, but I am otherwise between clothes. And about 95% of what I bought with Sophie is shorts/t shirts/tank tops. Not good for a winter pregnancy.

I know I will feel better if I invest in some decent maternity clothes. However, it is not in the budget (and definitely not when 50% off is still $20 per piece of clothing!). I am going to start hitting thrift stores soon, but with none nearby (and even less time to go shopping for them), I need to improvise.

I am happy to be having a baby. I am not happy to be pregnant. I've never felt glowing/radiant/full of life like all of those women's ads suggest. I feel frumpy and huge and sick all the time. The end result is totally worth it, but I could fast forward through the pregnancy and be fine. Even 16 hours of labor with three hours of nonstop pushing with a failed epidural is better than pregnancy. At least that is over in less than a day.

I am trying to enjoy it. We will hopefully find out the sex next week, and I should feel the baby at all/more regularly in the coming days (I'm not sure what I've felt so far is baby). Those are all positives. I just needed to vent a little bit about the negatives.

I know I am going to have to accept that I am getting bigger. I went through this when I was pregnant with Sophie. Once I am as big as a house, there is less doubt about what caused it. But for now, it's just a tough transition.

Also, I did not accomplish nearly anything on my to-do list over the break, but I am working on it. More upbeat posts (and hopefully pictures) to come in the near future...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Why do I always do that?

So, I of course posted last time about how I was feeling more human.

And then I had almost a week of feeling like garbage. Maybe I'll just keep my mouth shut the next time I'm feeling well :)

Thursday it was nausea and dizzyness, Friday was better, and then Saturday it returned and worsened. Saturday night I started getting a headache, and Sunday it turned into a migraine. All I can take is tylenol, which does nothing, so I dealt with it as best I could. I got less than an hour of sleep Sunday night. Of course, that made the migraine worse, and I was forced to stay home and try to take care of it with rest as best I can. At its worst, I was dizzy and nauseous to even sit upright. Good times.

I've still got a bit of the dizzyness and nausea, but the headache is down to more of a tension type headache. I didn't sleep well last night, and the more time goes on, the more I think my lack of sleep is worsening how I feel. That seems obvious, but I've coped on 3-4 hours of sleep a night for about two years and done ok. That just may not be compatible with this pregnancy. I don't know how I am going to sleep better, but I have to find a way.

Today will hopefully be a short day--I'm waiting for some antibodies to arrive, but after that, I'll hopefully be able to leave a little early. Maybe I'll get a nap in--we'll see. I also have a huge to-do list that is calling my name...

Hopefully having Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off will give me a chance to do some housecleaning (literally and figuratively). I'll try to catch up on pictures and everything else if I can. Have a happy turkey day!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Umm, surprise?

I have all of these things going on right now, but I noticed that all of them need one tiny piece of information that I haven't told you about yet.

I'm pregnant. Surprise!

Ok, in no way was this a surprise. First, I'm 16 weeks 3 days today, so I've known for some time. Second, this pregnancy was completely planned. Third, it happened the first month we tried (which I guess was the only semi-surprise of the entire thing).

I had my 16 week visit this morning, and things are good. The results from the first screen a few weeks ago (an ultrasound and a blood test) were that we are in the lowest risk group possible for Down's syndrome and trisomy 13/18. Very good news. The baby was very active on the ultrasound a few weeks ago (yes, much to Tim's chagrin, there is only one baby. I'm thrilled about that). So far, so good with everything they could check.

I have been wicked sick up until last week. That's partly why the posting has been sporadic. I've had constant nausea, and I'm exhausted. And I couldn't tell you why I was sick and exhausted. So I just didn't post much.

The nausea meant that I didn't gain any weight until last week (thanks, a whole week of restaurant food...). And it's only about two pounds at this point. I'm fine with that, my doctor's fine with that, and it's not like I didn't have a whole bunch of energy reserves before I got pregnant.

Just last week I started feeling almost human again. And this week, I am hungry. ALL THE TIME. There are still a lot of foods that don't sound great, and no food cravings yet. But I am always starving. I'm not eating constantly--no need to make up for lost time on the weight gain--but if you put food in front of me, it's gone.

So why the wait to share the news? Well, I told my boss right away, and she suggested we keep it a bit quiet for a while. This was partly because she figured it wasn't anyone's right to know--if it doesn't affect my progress, people shouldn't care. Partly it was because of the issues I had with Dr. B last time (who is still on my committee). And partly it was because things can go wrong early on. Unlike Sophie, we told all the family right away this time. And I was actually ok with the idea of just putting it out there at work as soon as we knew. But, waiting was fine too.

Since there is such an overlap between the blog/facebook/work life/real life, it hasn't been easy keeping it on the DL. I told the entire lab a few weeks ago at lab meeting, and word has slowly been moving around since then.

I'm not ashamed of the pregnancy, and I'm fine with people knowing it was planned. We had a several month window between the end of grad school and the beginning of med school, and that's what we aimed for. We hit the beginning of that window (I'm due May 2nd). It won't impede my grad school progress. And I'll be able to finish maternity leave before I go back to med school. It's all good.

So now I can explain to you why my moods are swinging everywhere, why I'm tired all the time, and why we now have to go car shopping. No, we won't be moving this time (thank God!)

I'll try and catch you up on some of the more topical stuff in the near future. It is nice to know that I can speak freely now without worrying about slipping :) The last ultrasound didn't give us very good pictures, but we have the anatomy ultrasound on December 9, so I should have some pictures then.

Just wanted you to know Bucky's good (Baby Under Construction, same as Sophie was), Sophie's thrilled, and Tim and I couldn't be happier. Sophie's new thing is walking up to me, lifting my shirt, and saying, "baby come out?" She's sung Bucky songs, given kisses and hugs, and now has a thing for baby dolls that she can dress/change/feed/push in a stroller. I think she'll be a great big sister :)

Friday, November 13, 2009

I guess I was due

I haven't had a real bummer of a day in some time. Tim said he really can't think of any since I left Dr. B's lab over a year ago, so I guess that is a good thing. Yesterday, I guess I was just due for one. I'm feeling a little ill (I think it's more from traveling than an actual illness), I'm tired, I miss my family, and I'm just generally feeling burnt out.

So, I guess that is a predisposing condition for feeling bummed. Then I got an email about a proposal I had written, and it was (not so nicely) rejected. Not the end of the world, but added to how I was already feeling, it just put me over the edge. Tim was working late, so I didn't get the chance to talk to him until late last night.

It just wasn't a good day. Talking to Tim made me feel much better, but there's something about feeling down that just makes the world seem tougher. Anyway, I feel better today. It helps that I am going to be home tomorrow. Salt Lake City is beautiful, but without a car, I'm feeling a bit trapped. There is nothing even close to walking distance by the hotel, so with the exception of Wednesday night (which I will recount to you when I get time), I've been stuck in the hotel alone every night. This is also the longest I've been away from Sophie and Tim since, well, ever.

One more long day in lab, and then it's a long day of flights tomorrow. But at least I'll get to (not) sleep in my own bed! Yeah, apparently insomnia doesn't stay in Ohio for me...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Salt Lake City

I'm in Salt Lake City this week, and my computer has decided to connect to the internet for the first time this week! Not sure how long I'll have it, but just wanted to say hey while I had the chance. Hopefully I'll have time for a full update in the near future.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Come hear me speak!

I gave two versions of my talk today to school groups, but if you want to come out, here's the deal. And not that all the below info doesn't have the real contact info on the web, but just not to advertise personal info too much, that junk has been removed.



Speaker Series Schedule 2009-2010

BioMedTech’s Speaker Series features interactive presentations from leading experts in the field of biomedical technology and engineering. Check back for more up-to-date information.

Saturday, November 7, 2009 at 12:00 PM – General Visitors
Topic: Diabetes: Causes and Consequences
Presented by Kate X, Bridgette X, and Chep X, Ph.D. Candidates, (my school).

In recognition of American Diabetes Month, graduate student researchers will engage the public in understanding the causes and consequences of diabetes, specifically diabetic blindness and heart disease. Students will utilize hands-on demonstrations to explore the anatomy of the eye, simulate vision with diabetic retinopathy (blindness), and observe the fat-sugar-protein ratios in common foods.

Presentation is free with paid admission to Great Lakes Science Center. Space is limited. No reservations required.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Hooray for shots!

I got my seasonal shot on Friday, and I found an H1N1 clinic that is giving the injectable dose tomorrow for Tier 1 groups. Both Sophie and I classify as Tier 1, so we are preregistered and good to go for shots tomorrow. Tim's family has had at least two (maybe more) confirmed cases of swine flu going around. We actually cancelled dinner with his family last night just to be safe--his cousin was home from work for three days with flu, and his aunt wasn't feeling well. Better to be safe than sorry!

And now, I'll have both flu shots before I travel next week. I feel much better about that. Unfortunately, Tim isn't in the high risk group, so he has to wait a bit for the H1N1. His company is doing flu shots next week at work, so at least he'll have that.

I never thought I'd be so happy to get two shots in one week. But I am!