Monday, November 30, 2009

Oh my god, this cartoon is so my life right now. It's courtesy of my weekly pregnancy emails from babycenter.com. I had an absolute meltdown (ok, it was all mental, but a meltdown none the less). I woke up Thanksgiving morning and couldn't find any clothes that fit. The pants were ok, but all of the shirts hugged all of the wrong places. I must've changed outfits ten times.

I finally settled on something non-maternity, but it still obviously showed off my growing belly. Since I carry most of my weight in the stomach/hips/rear area anyway, I was definitely borderline between the "is she pregnant?"/"did she gain weight?" areas. Seeing as how I have almost ten years of serious body image issues, this is not a good place for me to be.

I got over it and was doing ok until Tim's cousin came after dinner and said, "oh, I totally forgot you were pregnant until I saw you!" She was trying to be nice, but it put me over. I sucked it up and smiled, but that didn't help my mood.

Yes, I am 18 weeks pregnant. Yes, I've gained a few pounds (still less than five, thank goodness). But I'm not ready for my body to be changing. And my wardrobe is definitely not ready. I have some way pregnancy pants that don't stay up yet, and I have two pairs of dress pants that have kindly been handed down, but I am otherwise between clothes. And about 95% of what I bought with Sophie is shorts/t shirts/tank tops. Not good for a winter pregnancy.

I know I will feel better if I invest in some decent maternity clothes. However, it is not in the budget (and definitely not when 50% off is still $20 per piece of clothing!). I am going to start hitting thrift stores soon, but with none nearby (and even less time to go shopping for them), I need to improvise.

I am happy to be having a baby. I am not happy to be pregnant. I've never felt glowing/radiant/full of life like all of those women's ads suggest. I feel frumpy and huge and sick all the time. The end result is totally worth it, but I could fast forward through the pregnancy and be fine. Even 16 hours of labor with three hours of nonstop pushing with a failed epidural is better than pregnancy. At least that is over in less than a day.

I am trying to enjoy it. We will hopefully find out the sex next week, and I should feel the baby at all/more regularly in the coming days (I'm not sure what I've felt so far is baby). Those are all positives. I just needed to vent a little bit about the negatives.

I know I am going to have to accept that I am getting bigger. I went through this when I was pregnant with Sophie. Once I am as big as a house, there is less doubt about what caused it. But for now, it's just a tough transition.

Also, I did not accomplish nearly anything on my to-do list over the break, but I am working on it. More upbeat posts (and hopefully pictures) to come in the near future...

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