Monday, April 19, 2010

3-0

I can only hope today is not a snapshot into what my 30s will be like...

Today:
-got up early (although "waking up" implies a person was actually asleep)

-left for work before Sophie was up

-harvested tissue (nice way of saying killed rats)

-had multiple things come up in lab that derailed the plan for my day

-worked a ten hour day (not too bad for me, but it was my birthday)

-came home, spent some time with Sophie and Tim until Sophie went to bed

-started working at home

-and I plan to lather/rinse/repeat for tomorrow, especially since my boss wants to meet in the AM to go over my paper, and I have experiments that HAVE to get started before more people come into work and derail my day.

And did I mention that since Josh dropped yesterday, I've been having very painful, crampy contractions constantly (that are unfortunately neither rhythmic nor progressive), a bad head cold, and rat allergies flaring up all day?

Happy birthday to me, indeed.

Honestly though, today's been a real bummer. I have no work-life balance right now--work is all consuming. This weekend was a rare exception--I put my foot down and decided that I needed to step back for a bit. We saw Tim's family on Saturday, after a very productive day of errands. And my parents came up yesterday afternoon to help me prepare--basically my mom cooked a bunch of food that we put in the freezer for after Josh comes. That was awesome. Then I got to see or talk to all of my siblings around dinner time. It was really nice, and I needed some family time.

I unfortunately spent most of last night feeling guilty that I didn't work all weekend, but I tried to remind myself that I also need to be prioritizing the impending arrival of a newborn, so work can't happen non-stop.

I will be so happy when this paper is out. Really, I'm birthing a lab baby at the same time I'm preparing to birth a real baby. I'm not sure which one is more painful at this point.

A belated update from Friday too. I saw the midwife, who said I was a "good" two cm dilated, "at least" 50% effaced, and -2 station. She said Josh was head down, and I said that he was too big to move at this point. She chuckled and asked how big my first had been, and I said over 9 lbs. She thought Josh would meet or exceed that, but she said I had a "proven pelvis," so I should do ok.

A proven pelvis? Should I put that on my CV? Unfortunately, from the sounds of things, that may come back to bite me. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday, and I see my regular doctor on Friday, but it sounds like maybe my proven pelvis will have me waiting to deliver until I go into labor on my own.

I've accepted the fact that my doc won't induce me early, but I want reaffirmation that I'm not going to have to go overdue again.  Honestly, judging by these last few weeks (and especially the last few days) of contractions, I don't know that my labor will ever start on its own. Either my water will have to break, starting the clock, or I'll need to be induced. I just think that's the way it is. My labor barely wanted to move forward with high doses of pitocin with Sophie. I just don't know that these contractions will ever organize themselves into actual labor without some outside convincing.

I really thought today that the contractions were progressing. I almost called my doctor at one point to ask if I should walk next door to the hospital to get checked out. I got busy with lab stuff, and the moment passed, but I think that's the best it's going to get.

So much for tradition. I went into labor with Sophie on my mom's birthday and had her the day after. No such occurrence on my birthday.

For now, I'm actually more comfortable dealing with the physical pain of indefinite, un-ending pre-labor. I feel prepared for Josh's arrival. This lab project/paper is much more anxiety provoking for me. I tried to calm my boss (and myself) down in lab meeting today saying that, even if this paper isn't out by the time I deliver, I can be reached at home. I'm not going back to med school till September--while the window for publishing this paper isn't infinite, there is a rather large buffer zone built in. I don't think my pep talk worked.

I'm not trying to put off working on the paper. It's just that, physically, I can only do so much. I get exhausted--I can't do the 12 hour days anymore. I need at least one weekend day to catch up. I hate not living up to other people's expectations (whether they are realistic or not), but I can't keep this pace up. I'm half hoping it puts me into labor, but I think it's just going to make me tired.

I'm trying to hang onto the positive, like this weekend, and let the negative roll off my back. For instance, even though I have several more hours worth of work that I could do tonight, I'm going to go to bed at 11. And maybe I'll even sleep. Wouldn't that be wonderful!

To everyone who wished me a happy birthday recently by phone/text/mail/email/facebook (facebook was a very touching thing today--who knew!), I want to say thanks. I keep hoping that I'll get better at keeping in touch once I have the baby/send out the paper/graduate/etc, but I know life will always keep me busy. Personal relationships are something I need to work harder at, and once I figure out how, I'm hoping to improve. Till then, thanks for your patience :)

1 comment:

  1. Nikki7:55 AM

    So the plan is to re-re-submit my paper on Friday...there were points where I'd rather burn the data (and drafts) than look at them again. Science is soooo cool when it works & so very uncool when it doesn't! Good luck with your labor and "proven pelvis" (that cracked me up! like you could go into business or something...)

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