Yes, I am currently at work. Yes, I have been here since 7:30 AM (and awake since 5). Yes, I will be here for a bit more, and I will be back again tomorrow. And yes, my boss did come in today to discuss the paper while I was running experiments.
Despite that, I am doing better. I hate to seem so bipolar in my posts, but I guess blogging serves many purposes. First, when I am having a terrible day (really, one of the worst I've had), it lets me chronicle that. And two, it lets me vent. After the terrible Tuesday night post, I really was stressed beyond belief. But blogging about it forced me to talk about what was really bothering me. I labeled it, and then I thought about ways to fix it.
Wednesday, I gave myself permission to do only one thing: take care of Josh. I told myself that there would be no work on the paper and no thinking/stressing about anything that didn't have to do with what Josh needed at that exact moment. And it made Wednesday a very good day. I think it was Josh's first real smile too, which made things better. I didn't check email, I didn't do any work, and the most non-baby work I did was to tidy up the house a bit and cook tacos. Not complicated.
Thursday my mom and sister came up around lunchtime. It gave me the opportunity to go grocery shopping and buy a few plants. After Tim mowed the lawn, and Sophie went down for bed, I got to spend an hour planting my garden. Granted, it was from 9-10 PM, so I had to do it by floodlight, but it counts. Amazing what about $9 in plants and an hour in the dirt can do.
I also called my boss Thursday afternoon. We talked for about an hour, and actually, I think it lowered my stress level instead of raising it. I think she realized I am really worried about my timeline, so she let me be the one to freak out a bit and she was the reassuring one. I did commit to coming in this weekend, and in a way, that relieved some stress too. By saying I would be in, I knew I couldn't back out just because I was tired or didn't want to go.
And since I committed to work this weekend, I gave myself Friday night "off." I had planned to come in to prep experiments Friday night (to save myself a few hours Saturday), but I decided I wanted that time at home. Tim's parents came up, Tim and his dad talked deck plans, and his mom and I had kid duty. It was nice.
I did take some time last night and this morning to get work stuff organized, but I told myself that by giving a day and a half to work, home time would be my time. I don't know what we are doing when I get home tonight, other than Tim desperately wanting to get a haircut, but that will be family time and not stress time.
I'm still worried, but I've admitted that I will do what I can do, and that's it. I can't magically make things work or make the paper write itself. I need to find more time to spend with it. But, when that time is up, I need to be able to walk away.
I'm still not perfect at this no stress stuff. But if I want to keep my sanity, I've got to find a way.
Back to experiments I go...