I'm sitting here, feeling nervous for my first day of school. And this is the second time I've felt this way in just over a week--I had similar jitters before I taught my first weekend college class of the semester. Those jitters went away as soon as I started teaching. I'm doubting my current jitters will evaporate when I slip on my white coat. If anything, I expect them to get worse.
I'm excited, nervous, anxious, worried, and feeling inferior. I had grand ambitions of reviewing all of my psych notes from med school (from back in 2003) before heading to the clinics tomorrow. Unfortunately, life didn't feel like cooperating today. Therefore, none of the things on my to-do list for the day (thesis, thank you notes, notes/assignments/lecture for Saturday's class, and reviewing for med school) got done today. I am hoping tomorrow will be mostly paperwork, and I'll have one more night to prepare.
In the course of getting things ready for tomorrow, I came across my clinical tutorial evaluation from my preceptor. He filled it out on 3-31-10; I just found it in my clinic bag. I gave him an envelope to seal it up. He told me that he wanted me to read it before I turned it in. I hadn't read it yet--I'm not sure why. I don't know what I was afraid of, but I read it tonight. It was extremely kind and thoughtful, and while I am not sure that I believe all of the praise that is in it, it has helped me remember that just being a good person and a hard worker are big parts of having a successful clinical experience. I will need to remember/learn the material at some point. But I'm telling myself it's ok to go back--it's been more than six years since I finished the second year of medical school and took my boards. And it's been five months since I last saw a patient. It's natural that I have some rust--I just have to shake it off and do my best. I hope that'll be enough to get me started.
It's been crazy that my first class was last Saturday, Josh started daycare last Monday, I'm starting clinics tomorrow, and Sophie is also starting Montessori tomorrow. That last one was a bit of a shock. Tim and I carpooled on Friday (my car was in the shop again--that's another story). We both dropped the kids off in the morning, and Sophie's AM teacher asked if the PM teacher had asked us about moving her up to the next classroom. We said no, and the teacher said that since the fall "classes" had just started in Montessori, Sophie would be better off starting ASAP. We were both a little surprised at this. We knew it would be coming--her infant room is for kids 18 mos-3 years, and she'll be three in October. But they transitioned her over a period of weeks when she moved from infants to toddlers. We were expecting the same with the move to Montessori.
When we picked Sophie up Friday evening, her PM teacher reaffirmed that starting Montessori could happen ASAP. Sophie's teacher said that it might help the behavior issues she's been having--her teacher seemed to think Sophie was bored, and that's why she misbehaved (and spent so much time in time-out). I was concerned that she might not be ready--as far as potty training goes, she's nowhere close--but Ms. Sue thought she'd be fine. We asked Sophie if she was ready for Montessori, and she said yes.
A few points of clarification. First, Sophie has spent a little time in Montessori--if Tim drops her off, she spends some time with the older kids for 15-20 minutes max until they can open up the toddler room for breakfast. She's liked the time she gets to color or play. Second, I didn't even know what Montessori was when we first started her in day care. It was the only opening of the many places I called, and I figured we'd have time to decide if we liked the Montessori classroom. The infant/toddler rooms were pretty standard.
Guess what? Time's up. And while I've read about Montessori online (basically, mixed age groups and self-directed learning), I'm still not totally positive why it is better/worse than other things. And honestly, as long as it isn't totally traumatic, it'll be fine. Sophie is comfortable with the routine, comfortable with the teachers, and Josh is going there now. I think we've missed the window to move her. And barring disaster, she'll stay there until it's time to start school.
I just can't believe how many "firsts" we've had in the last week or so. It's been a crazy time. It will continue to be crazy for a long time, I am sure, but I am hoping we'll get some time to enjoy life soon. I really haven't had a weekend to just chill with my little family, and there are a lot of people that I've been meaning to catch up with and haven't had the opportunity yet. Maybe this fall, I can start to feel organized again! I'll try not to feel like a total failure on that front if it takes a bit longer than I'd like :)
Off to find the white coat and the other goodies I'll need. I'm not sure what I need to pack for tomorrow, but I guess I'll figure it out--just like how I am still figuring out the rest of my life on a daily basis.